Help A Brother Out

From our friend Dave:

Narrative journalism is essentially rejected at my paper.

This has not always been the case, but lately no matter how often I try, all my narrative stories are stripped bare. I feel beaten down.

I wonder how other Gangrey readers who work in similar environments deal with this. I don't really have an editor I can go to, as these decisions are coming from the top — or very near it. Is there some way to "trick" the bosses into giving me more freedom to write?

Anyway, I'm curious if there's a way to hash this out on Gangrey. Can anyone convince me to keep fighting?

The link here is the latest example of an edited version of a story that ran today, and below that is what I turned in. (Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe what I turned in was shit, but I showed it to some journo-friends and they thought it was OK.)

Advice, anyone?

I'll post both versions in the comments below, starting with Dave's original, then the version that ran.