Gangrey
Vol. I · No. 1Prolonging the Slow Death of NewspapersEst. 2026

Dogs And Cats And Birds And Bees

Stephanie Hayes: There are stage lights and a clap board and a Chihuahua named Dane, as in Great Dane, who is very, very calm, considering what's about to happen.

Dane is fitted with a belt — a Gas Girdle — that farts on command. Instant birth control. No one wants to get busy when noxious fumes waft into the woo. Not even an animal biologically programmed to seek a whole bunch of sex.

Pffffffffffffft.

"Voila! Instant turnoff."

That's Joey. He presses the button, expelling a cheeky battle cry from the speaker strapped to patient Dane.

Pffffffrrrruuuuuttt.

"Seriously, dude. You should get that checked."

Everyone in the studio stifles a laugh. Awkward silence is crucial.

Keep reading with a membership

This story is for Gangrey members. Join to read it in full, unlock the archive, and support narrative nonfiction.

Become a Member

Keep Reading

People of diverse skin tones fist bumping in a circle.Essays

How to be a Diversity Hire

1 Min
An empty hospital bed sits in a dimly lit room.Micro-Memoir

Goodnight, Grandpa

1 Min
A group of people walking across a street.Micro-Memoir

Sonder

1 Min

Leave a comment